review

The following is a journal entry from a month ago. I had shared it via e-mail with a close friend, who just recently replied to that e-mail. I re-read it myself, and felt like posting it...

10.15.05 Journal

One Banner (ministry I sort of started in 2002, and have since put on hold – http://www.1banner.org/ [very outdated site])… the idea behind this was for people to “lay down their individual and denominational/religious ‘banners’ and come together under the banner of Christ”. This past year has been one of God showing me some of my personal “banners”, which were actually barriers to the true oneness I believe he’s calling me to be a part of. Most of these banners have been attached to the flagstaff of Religion. A lot of these were the “do nots” and “cannots” that religion tries to attach to us along our spiritual journey. Over time, we come to replace truth and freedom with rules and regulations we believe help to facilitate spiritual growth and freedom in Christ. How great is this deception! What we have done is trade the prison of sin for a prison of religion. We are no freer than before, and often more imprisoned. We try to convince ourselves that life is found in our modified behavior, which brings us closer to God and allows him opportunity to draw closer to us. How can he be closer than in us? Each person must come to the place where they are following and drawing near to God because they want to – more than they want _____. (fill in the blank)

We cannot pretend to exercise the self-control that is the fruit of the Spirit simply because we have removed from ourselves all possible opportunities to lose it! I understand the recovering/recovered alcoholic would do well to avoid alcohol, and the former chain smoker may need to avoid the celebratory cigar, but that doesn’t mean everyone else who has the occasional beer or smoke is sinning by doing so. The diabetic should avoid the chocolate buffet on the cruise ship, too, but that doesn’t mean everyone else has to. Moderation and self-discipline are the keys here and in many other issues. We should consider how we present ourselves to others and be sensitive to cultural and other issues, knowing our actions in any given scenario are representing Christ to others. We should be considerate of that. But how many times do we come across as condescending religious judges to those we would consider “sinners” because they are freer than us!

I propose that we lay down the banners of “judge”, “sanctimonious”, and “rules-keeper”. Some of us have lost, or never learned, the art of listening to God and truly walking with him. We have come to him, surrendered our lives, tasted the life and freedom that is being made new in Christ, and then traded that life for religion, rules, and vain repetition. Repetition of prayers, repetition of man’s traditions, repetition of rules, repetition of death!

I have a bicycle, and I enjoy riding it frequently. I love that, even though I often travel familiar paths, every ride is different. The birds are not the same, the sky changes, the trees, the paths and obstacles, the weather… you get the point. Now, compare that to riding a stationary bike in a closed garage. I feel the creep of death just thinking about it! Where’s the life in that?!

Where’s the life in religion? There is none. The life I want cannot be contained in that box. In fact, no life can be contained there. At 18 years of age (19, if you count the womb time), I was born again – alive for the first time, spiritually. It was amazing, mind-blowing, paradigm detonating – and until then, I thought dropping acid was a trip! This was such a life changing, life altering experience that I was totally blown away. Higher than high, freer than free, I was brand spanking new! WOW! But, the more I shared my story with others – other “Christians” - the more I felt like a freak. All the “seasoned” believers and the “lifers” (“I’ve been ‘saved’ all my life, pretty much”) seemed so cold and disinterested in this life, freedom and passion I had for Jesus and for the lost. I was “fired up”! They talked about not being “wild” fire. I was ready to run! They talked about life being a marathon, not a sprint. I was ready to save the world! They talked about leaving the 99 to reach the one. I was excited about knowing God! They taught me how to pray effectively. I was passionate about sharing Jesus! They signed me up for the course on soul winning. I would read my Bible for hours! They taught me how to study individual words and phrases with proper exegetical and hermeneutical study methods.

I’m not sure how it happened (duh!), but somewhere along the way I died all over again, with only a small, smoking ember left of the flame.

But… God! Yeah, I know, that’s not a complete sentence. The truth in that statement, however, is more than enough. God, in his endless pursuit of me, knew the deep cry of my heart was, and had always been, “Freedom!” “Truth!” “Life!” And he drew me out of the “matrix” (see The Matrix movie– the first one) and into the adventure of finding (again) the life he has always had for me. Much more to be said about all of this, but for now, I’ll end with this:

I’ve struggled with some depression as of late, feeling that so much has been wasted during this time. Perhaps, though, the prison of religion was the cocoon I had to endure in order that I might fully appreciate this freedom and understand the mindset of those still entrapped. I’m still breaking through, but it is coming! And the best is yet to come!

(Thanks, D&M, for your support and encouragement!)

helping

If you've read my other blog, you've noticed my son, Nathan loves to help. Sometimes his "helping" doesn't really help at all. I'm always touched by his enthusiasm and desire to be a part, and to give of himself to help others. Sometimes, however, I get really frustrated and just plain angry at some of his "helping". There are times when he will create a mess so he can "help" clean it up. I cannot count how many times he's poured water, milk, or some food onto the floor and then run grab a towel or napkin to come "help clean up that mess," as he puts it. He really gets a thrill out of helping, and if there's nothing to help he'll make something!

I think some of us do that with God. We want to "help", and sometimes our helping makes more of a mess, because we don't really listen to His voice and direction. Sometimes, doing something "good" isn't necessarily the same as doing something "God", if you get my point. I was thinking about this, and wondering if God gets mad at me when I make these messes. I'm confident he doesn't. He has the patience and longsuffering to see my heart and help teach me, through my relationship with Nathan, how to let Him show me how and when I can "help".

lost things

I hate it when I lose stuff! Most of the time, I've simply misplaced the item(s) in question and brain-cramped as to where it is. As an admitted "messy", I can easily "lose" stuff right in front of myself. I think the worst experiences are those when I get stressed, frustrated, angry, and even blame others for the missing items. My wife and son are constantly taking my stuff and moving it! (And then I find it right where I left it!) The most embarrasing are when the "lost" item is on my person! (Eyeglasses on my shirt or head, pen behind my ear, etc.) I lost my cell phone today for about 10 hours! I called people I'd been with and places I'd been. I searched everywhere. I left a threatening voice mail for the would-be thief. I brought my son back to the home of our friends (across town) so maybe he could "help daddy find the phone" in case he had put it somewhere over there. Another desperate call to my phone revealed it's hiding place - between the driver's seat and center console in the car!

Aaaaagggghhh!! I'm not sure if this might be related to poor sleep, vitamin deficiency, or prior drug use, but it bugs the snot out of me! (Ahhh - Chooo!)

The worst losses in my life have been the times I was lost. Unlike the stranded islanders on the new hit ABC television series, I usually didn't realize my state of "lost-ness" right away. Before I could be rescued, I needed to be hit between the eyes with the hard, cold reality that I was lost in the first place. I've been lost in the woods, lost in the countryside, lost in sin, and even lost in religion! I managed to find my way out of the woods, and I got directions back from the countryside. But I had to own the fact that I was lost. Blaming others or circumstances for my lost state was unproductive in my being "rescued".

I was rescued from the lost path my sin was leading me down the night I was blown away by the imminent hellfire I was blazing toward in my rebellion and rejection of Christ. In one moment, I had such a revelation of my lost state, that I was frozen in fear that I would surely "bust hell wide open" if I did not turn from my sin immediately and surrender the lordship of my life to Jesus.

Years passed, and I came to another crossroads, where I realized I was lost again - this time in the deep and deceptive woods of religion. I had grown comfortable in my plastic, "bobble-head Christianity" (thanks, Drew, for that poignant little slogan). Man, not only is that a deep and treacherous wood, but there are so many living there that it's hard to leave. When I first identified myself as a lost sinner, it was so clear and obvious what/who I needed to cut ties with. But this "lost in religion" was much more difficult a problem. It wasn't so much a place or people that I needed to break with, but a whole mindset/philosophy of life.

For me, it's meant walking through a couple of years of struggle through the "de-programming" of many life-long ideas and beliefs. It has been an incredible, frightening, exciting, depressing, lonely, freeing journey so far. Each day is a new experience in finding 1. who God really is (outside of my own religious paradigms), 2. who I am in light of who God is and has created me to be, and 3. what true, Christian community looks like in light of the first two.

I'm thankful that He has connected me with others who are in similar places on their journey, and I look forward to assisting those whose hearts cry out for truth in relation to these three areas of their lives.

I'm thankful for my ability to identify when I'm lost. The truth is, we're only lost to God when we fail to recognize our lost state in relation to him, and fail to surrender to His leading us home. And, since home is where the heart is, the daily question for me is, "where is your heart?"

Intro 2

Ok, so I decided to broaden the parameters of this blog beyond just "gleanings from children", as it was formerly named. I have and I am learning a lot from my son and other kids, but I feel like that theme limits me from allowing this blog to be more of an open journal on other themes. So... I've changed the name to "portal" and I'm allowing myself and my life to be "open" to those who may benefit from it. Those people would include me, as I know that writing is part of my calling/ministry/purpose. Sometimes the portal will reveal my insight, beliefs, opinions, and rants. But all of the entries together comprise but a glimpse of the whole that is my life's journey. There may be stuff here that you disagree with, are encouraged by, or flat-out don't get. You're welcome to share your thoughts, if that helps. Just remember this is my portal, so if you've got an axe to grind, get your own grinder/blog!